He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
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I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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