Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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