Don't make out with my wife yet
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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