he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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