I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
