hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
