Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
