I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She bit a glass in half.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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