It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
