Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
