If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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