So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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