get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
