i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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