Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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