Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
