I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just googled if crying burns calories
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
