He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
