my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
