so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize