I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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