are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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