I'm so fucking centered right now
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
