Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
