I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
