remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
false alarm, still single
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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