I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
