Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
