Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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