Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
