omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
