Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
