Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
