I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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