I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
