chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
