Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Randomize
