Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
