I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
