One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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