I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
