I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
