do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
