I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
