'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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