If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
