all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
