just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize