Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you never un-have a 4some
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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