this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
