if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
