I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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