Texts From Last Night

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  (917): View more from New York City

  I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.

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  (917): I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop. http://tfl.nu/w9jv
  Replies (3) Good night (1495) Bad night (697)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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  (816): My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won. http://tfl.nu/68w0
  Replies (4) Good night (865) Bad night (968)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it

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  (210): i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it http://tfl.nu/c88z
  Replies (26) Good night (3408) Bad night (816)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

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  (434): I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach. http://tfl.nu/7n8a
  Replies (14) Good night (4037) Bad night (588)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

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  (949): you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller." http://tfl.nu/aw6q
  Replies (19) Good night (6346) Bad night (731)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

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  (912): you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right? http://tfl.nu/mqjb
  Replies (19) Good night (2118) Bad night (6183)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.

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  (515): Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband. http://tfl.nu/y7jc
  Replies (31) Good night (5707) Bad night (592)
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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  (561): I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?" http://tfl.nu/1qvw
  Replies (18) Good night (5251) Bad night (1382)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You're like the curious george of whores

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  (512): You're like the curious george of whores http://tfl.nu/l01l
  Replies (5) Good night (3498) Bad night (737)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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  (973): composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals. http://tfl.nu/kw2o
  Replies (13) Good night (5243) Bad night (869)
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  ....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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  (405): New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot. (580): ....this is what your political science major is getting you? http://tfl.nu/c72s
  Replies (8) Good night (2120) Bad night (548)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Your cock is gonna weep like a baby

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  (407): Your cock is gonna weep like a baby http://tfl.nu/ae0t
  Replies (13) Good night (1663) Bad night (609)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?

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  (905): When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog? http://tfl.nu/u47g
  Replies (7) Good night (516) Bad night (1360)
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.

  (347): View more from New York

  Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!

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  (646): Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee. (347): Wait a min, you had drugs last night?! http://tfl.nu/3nfc
  Replies (1) Good night (1207) Bad night (682)
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.

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  (289): I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me. http://tfl.nu/j2zo
  Replies (7) Good night (797) Bad night (249)

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