Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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