I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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