I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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